


It Just Isn't Done

by Collybear



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Auspisticism, Explicit Language, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-23
Updated: 2013-07-23
Packaged: 2017-12-21 01:52:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Collybear/pseuds/Collybear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an alternate universe where they trolls grew up and took their positions in Alternian society black rom tensions continue to run high between Vriska and Eridan. And Karkat gets to hear about it a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Just Isn't Done

**Author's Note:**

> Written for tumblr use kamaete for Homestuck Secret Santa.

The doors to the throne were trust open with ease by the imperial drones standing to either side, and in swaggered Vriska Serket. Swaggered is really the only way to say it. The opening of the huge doors created a wind that blew both her hair and cape back and threatened to flutter the hat off her head, were it not held there by her horns. Her metal arm glimmered slightly and her hips swayed as she walked on heels much too high to be practical for any military officer. Her one eyed stare was focused straight forward.

Eridan straightened when she walked in, smoothing back the few strands of hair that had fallen forward and fixing his collar. He rose from his seat beside the empty throne and looked down where she stood at the bottom of the stairs up the throne platform.

“Serket. The Empress isn't here, if that's wwho you're lookin for.”

“Shut your nutrition chute, Ampora. You know I'm here to talk to you.”

“A course. Wwhat thrillin newws do you have from your shitty troops noww?”

“Fuck you. My soldiers are the best damn fighters in the universe, and you know it. In fact, I'm here to tell you they just got back from successfully over throwing another planet in the name of the Empress.” Vriska spat the words at Eridan and his lips curled into a snarl, because goddamn her, she was right. The best certainly was a thing that she was, even if he hated to admit it.

“I'll be sure to tell Fef, but you're still wwritin a formal report on it.”

“No, I'm not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Or what? You'll tell the Empress on me? Oh Eridan, I'm soooooooo scared! What if she invites me to catch up with her over tea!? Face it, there's nothing she'll do. You're not the only one who's in good with her you know.”

A smug smile crossed Vriska's face when Eridan opened his mouth to speak and found he had nothing more to say. She took the opportunity to head out, leaving Eridan standing alone in the room, rage and hatred practically seeping from his pores. He wanted to rip her throat out, to sink his teeth into the flesh of her neck right through her delicate white cravat. And normally he would. As the Empress's, as Feferi's, moirail nobody would think anything of it. It would just be an important highblood culling a lower blooded troll. But he can't because this is Vriska Serket. This is the best goddamn officer the whole Alternian military has got. Most importantly, this is the bitch who he’d been black with for four sweeps. Killing black crushes just isn't done.

\----------------------

AG: Uuuuuuuugh! I'm not even joking Karkat, he's soooooooo annoying!  
AG: I went in and he didn't even come down to meet me!  
AG: He just stood at the top of his stupid little indoor mountain and looked down at me!  
AG: Like he's even really that gr8.  
AG: And do you know what he said a8out my troops?  
AG: He called them shitty!  
AG: Shitty, Karkat!  
AG: Shiiiiiiiitty!!!!!!!!  
AG: How does he even have the nerve! >::::(  
CG: I DON'T KNOW.  
AG: A8solutely insuffera8ble!  
CG: YEAH YEAH, SO I'VE HEARD A THOUSAND AND ONE TIMES.  
CG: HONESTLY, WHENEVER YOU TALK TO ME YOU SPEND AT LEAST HALF THE FUCKING CONVERSATION SPEWING SHIT ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A RAGING DOUCHEWAFFLE ERIDAN IS.  
CG: I GET IT.  
CG: JESUS FUCK.  
CG: DON'T YOU HAVE A MOIRAIL TO COMPLAIN TO ABOUT THIS?  
AG: No. ::::|  
CG: OH, RIGHT. I FORGOT THAT YOU'RE SUCH A QUARDANT FAILURE THAT YOU'RE 10 SWEEPS AND STILL CAN'T HOLD DOWN A MOIRAIL.  
CG: IT EXPLAINS ALL YOUR ERIDAN PROBLEMS TOO.  
AG: 8luh.  
CG: ANYWAYS, IF YOU'VE GOT SUCH A HATEBONER FOR THE GUY WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BLACK ALREADY?  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh! This isn't one of your stupid romcom's Karkat!  
AG: It's not as simple as guy hates girl, girl hates guy, there's a troll in the middle, one of them kills him and it's all duels and rain8ows!  
AG: Eridan and I have history!  
CG: REALLY?  
CG: I'VE BEEN HEARING ABOUT YOUR SHIT FOR SWEEPS AND I HADN'T FIGURED THAT OUT MYSELF.  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha. You're soooooooo funny. ::::|  
AG: 8esides, we've triiiiiiiied 8eing 8lack!  
AG: Twice!  
AG: It didn't work when we were 6 sweeps and it didn't work two perigrees ago.  
CG: WHY?  
AG: 8ecause Eridan's a high maintenance 8ulgesucker! Duh!!!!!!!!  
CG: YOU CAN'T SAY YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT GOING IN.  
AG: Lapse in judgement?  
CG: WHATEVER.  
CG: WELL, IF BEING BLACK DOESN'T WORK, AS MUCH AS I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU THAT HE'S JUST GOING TO DISAPPEAR OFF THE FACE OF ALTERNIA,  
CG: AND TRUST ME I DO WISH I COULD SAY THAT  
CG: HE'S NOT GOING TO.  
CG: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT, OR GIVE UP YOUR CUSHY ASS POSITION YELLING AT PEOPLE AND SITTING ON YOUR ASS ALL DAY.  
AG: ::::O Hell no!  
CG: I THOUGHT AS MUCH.  
AG: Karkaaaaaaaat, why do you have to 8e so reasona8le?  
CG: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

\----------------------

CA: seriously kar, the bitch hasn't changed at all since wwe wwere 6 swweeps old  
CA: still as annoyin as evver  
CG: YOU TILL ME THAT LITERATELY EVERY TIME YOU SEE HER.  
CG: SERIOUSLY IF YOU HATED HER ANYMORE YOU'D BE PAILING HER RIGHT NOW.  
CA: not evven. last time wwe tried that she almost ripped my glubbin throat out.  
CG: THAT'S THE POINT.  
CA: yeah wwell she wwasn't doin it right  
CG: AND YOU WOULD KNOW HOW TO BE A PROPER KISMESIS OF COURSE. BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN WITH SOOOO MANY TROLLS.  
CA: oh shut it kar  
CA: i may not have been wwith many of the ladies, but that doesn't mean i don't knoww howw to please them  
CA: wwhich isn't by going for the jugular fivve seconds into the duel  
CA: besides i'm the empresses right hand troll and moirail i can do so much better than that fuckin cerulean blood  
CG: YEAH RIGHT  
CG: AT THIS POINT EVEN IF IT WAS A RUSTBLOOD YOU SHOULD TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET.  
CA: i'm just wwaitin for the right troll is all kar  
CA: an that right troll isn't vvris  
CG: THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU HATE HER. IT'S MISLEADING.  
CA: oh come on like you don't knoww i mean platonic hate  
CG: ACTUALLY, MOST OF THE TIME, NO, I DON'T.

\----------------------

Karkat sat back from the computer and looked at the two chat windows still open on the screen. In the input section of both the little text cursor blinked next to ♣ symbols. He would never send them, but he was tempted to. He wanted to end every conversation with either of them with that little club, to let them know how ashen he was for them both. And normally he would. As a calm(-ish) troll, and those two being as volatile as they were nobody would think anything of it. It would just be an normal auspisticism. But he can't because this is Vriska Serket and Eridan Ampora. This is the best goddamn officer the whole Alternian military has got and the second most important troll on the planet. Most importantly, these are your friends from grubhood who are more black for each other than they'll ever be ashen for you. And even though they'll never be together, interfering with black crushes just isn't done.


End file.
